Mama Mangia
Super Moderator
12 Reasons to Smile
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even
get into my own pants.
>
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
>
How come we choose from just two people to run for
>president and over fifty for Miss America?
>
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but,
>a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"
>
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear
>loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't
>have signed up in the first place!
>
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I
>just "chunky dunk."
>
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be
>able to tell the difference.
>
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we
>could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
>
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school,
>but they can in prison?
>
Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live
>forever.
>
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten
>Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
>
Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's
>in English, thank a soldier"
>
And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer
>it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
A blind man wanders into a biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there
for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde
joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I
think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should
know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
"Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A DAY AT TECH SUPPORT
Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support : OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support : And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech support : Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
===============
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer : A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support : That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No . wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support : Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support : Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer : Hello... I can't print.
Tech support : Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, damn it!
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
===============
Customer : I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah...................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support : Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support : Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support : That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work
===============
Tech support : Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support : OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer : Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
===============
And last but not least:....
Tech support : "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support : "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
The Bat
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh
blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him
about where he got it.
He told them to **** off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted
until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited
bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went across a river and into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down and all other bats excitedly milled around him,
tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good for you!" said the first bat, "Because I f#$%*g didn't!"
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even
get into my own pants.
>
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
>
How come we choose from just two people to run for
>president and over fifty for Miss America?
>
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but,
>a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"
>
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear
>loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't
>have signed up in the first place!
>
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I
>just "chunky dunk."
>
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be
>able to tell the difference.
>
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we
>could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
>
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school,
>but they can in prison?
>
Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live
>forever.
>
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten
>Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
>
Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's
>in English, thank a soldier"
>
And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer
>it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
A blind man wanders into a biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there
for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde
joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I
think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should
know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
"Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A DAY AT TECH SUPPORT
Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support : OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support : And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech support : Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
===============
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer : A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support : That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No . wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support : Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support : Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer : Hello... I can't print.
Tech support : Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, damn it!
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
===============
Customer : I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah...................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support : Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support : Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support : That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work
===============
Tech support : Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support : OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer : Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
===============
And last but not least:....
Tech support : "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support : "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
The Bat
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh
blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him
about where he got it.
He told them to **** off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted
until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited
bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went across a river and into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down and all other bats excitedly milled around him,
tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good for you!" said the first bat, "Because I f#$%*g didn't!"